i made a few attempts in changing the html of my template.
i tried changing the colours, i updated to the new template, i just played around.
it alllll didn't work out the way i wanted them to.
the colour clashed, the fonts went berzerk.
(btw, my blog works well with ie. hahaha..i think on mozilla it appears a lot lot smaller??)
i've tried to fix it, but it never did work..dunno why. but oh well..
ThAT's the extent of my html knowledge lahh..
i remember back in college i found this whole deal with html extremely interesting, and so spent my hours (not to mention days) reading up on any simple html sites i could find.
ppl were studying for the common tests and finishing up their assignments, whilst i was on the internet trying to make my blog behave the way i want it to.
HAHAH!
i even had friends who asked me to help them edit their html and change their template.
i tried whatever i could lahh..but ended up directing them to ppl with more skills. LOL!
and even after all that interest i had about a year ago, i lost it all.
i was just playing the piano the other day, a thought hit me, and it hit me hard.
so much so that i had to stop playing to really be able to reflect and realize the truth in it.
i realized i was deteriorating.
DETERIORATING
i'm not just saying that because i haven't been studying and shit like that...
it has more to do with me losing my shine.
i don't mean to sound so full of myself, so you can stop reading if you don't want to (but i bet you'd continue reading larhhhh)
and i know it sounds so extremely darn kiasu, but it's just something that is important to me.
and if being like that is important to me, then why would you want to worry? KEIPO! HAHAHAHAHAHHA
anyhowww..back to the original story.
AHEM
it has more to do with me losing my shine. or more of me losing my will to continuously polish the shine.
whilst i was playing the piano, i realized i used to be really good at playing the piano.
i hope i still am.
i remember how in primary school, my music teacher would bug the hell out of me just to make me play in her concert, and her reason was always the same.
"you're the best i've heard in the school"
whilst most ppl at that time were playing do-re-mi, chopsticks or simple classical songs or so, i was playing songs from air supply, tvb series, songs that (i suppose) is not expected of someone at that age.
and although i doubted thoroughly what she said, i somehow felt a sense of pride within, knowing that someone thinks highly of me, even if i don't.
i remember all the while during my schooling life (prim til upper sec), i used to be amongst the cream of the cream. the cream of the cake. the cream of the crop.
i involved myself in a number of co-curricular activites and attended meetings regularly ( i hope).
i had positions in the boards that were a bit stressful (i must admit), but i got through all of them (rather well, i might add).
and even with all those busy schedules (what with hanging and bumming around as well), i somehow managed to pull through pretty well through all the exams at school.
even though i never did my homework, even though i studied minimall-y, and even though i never finished the syllabi before the exams and HAVE NEVER CONCENTRATED IN CLASS, i scored all the way, with little effort (although many doubt the fact that i am a very very last minute worker, and lazy at that)
looking back, i don't really know how i did it.
i had piano classes about twice a week, four times a week, when exams are near.
i had to practise the piano, revise the theory.
i had to attend activities in school on wed, fri and sat
i had to arrange some meetings for the clubs.
i had to go about collecting funds and handling accounts for TWO societies.
i had banners to paint, programme books to photocopy and bind in large amounts, souvenirs to make
i had to report to the teachers in charge of the clubs.
i had to attend tuitions.
it doesn't sound like much, but the stress that comes from it all is tremendous. trust me. i know.
and even with all that, i managed to pull through pretty well in the exams.
and looking back on that, and comparing it with now.
OMG!
you have no idea of the VAST DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!!!
in the college year, all i did was attend classes in college, and stay back til bout 8 pm with the excuse of studying (although it never really happened)
i barely did my homework, and all my assignments were last minute.
i studied only before the exams (which is the same or lesser than in sec school)
i mean, i did pretty ok in college and i'm satisfied, but it's just disappointing knowing that i didn't really perform all that well like i used to with little effort.
yes, i know that's the lazy way out and i bet everyone's going" HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO PERFORM WITH NO WORK????"
i dunno lah..
a part of me knew that it's very very much my fault if ever i don't do well, but the other part always had hope, because after all, i've been living like that for goodness knows how long already..
and in uni, it gets even worse.
because of the whole PGO thing that we first year meddies have, as long as i pass, i damn gembira already.
OMG!
so horrible.
and because of that, i study even lesser than i used to in coll and ...WHENEVER LAH!!
babi mati lah saya.
but but but but...
the main thing i'm trying to point out here, is that i feel as if i'm losing my whole challenging spirit.
because i don't care about what other ppl think and what other ppl score, is why i'm satisfied with whatever marks i have achieved.
because i don't feel like i'm dumb as compared to them, is why i'm losing my drive to perform.
yes, i know it seems so childish and kiasu lalalalal..
but if it gets me to perform and helps me do better, then why not?
it's like a race.
if it's only one person running with no record to break or to compare to, how is he supposed to know if he's doing well enough for his own satisfaction?
sure, you can run leisurely if you feel like it coz you'll end up at the finish line anywayy, but when it becomes a life long challenge, you'd obviously like to know where you stand right?
and think about it, if it's a race and there're sooooo many ppl running along with you, it's so much easier to know how much you need to improve, and someway somehow, it creates a driving challenge in you, forcing you to exert all the energy you have to run faster than anyone else in the race.
do you see my point?
i realized the main reason i'm losing my "shine", is because while i remain as stationary or move lower down the chart than ever, ppl are building themselves up and improving.
because i'm making no effort, is why ppl are all above me.
i mean, yes. it's not like i'm the best of the best or whatever lahh..because i know i'm SOOOO NOOOTTT anywhere there..
but it's just..nice to play about la u get what i mean?
it's nice to know what you've achieved in life and what makes you unique and ladidadida..
oooohhhh weeelllllll
but now that i'm in uni, i'm just happy with passing and passing all my papers. HEHEHHEHEH!!
yes, it defeats the point of this post, but you don't understand.
in medicine, the amount you have to study...is...omg.
MATILAH basically
our subjects are carried on throughout the years. meaning that even if you're in the fifth year, you'd still have to recall whatever you've learnt in first year, and the anatomy of the body??
die la die.
which is why i'm happy enough to pass, because i've realized, i don't want my whole entire uni life to be spent on studying (even then i still think i won't be able to finish studying it all)
i want it to be spent on a lot of life-enjoying things.
you know, breathing every once in awhile. (OK FINE. maybe a lot!!) :)
and because the years ahead are to be even more detrimental to the human brain, my breathing space will eventually decrease and decrease, unless i manage my time properly (which is always a failure, having spent half my time in bed)
sooooooooo
there you have it.
my views on education in current times.
ok lahh...so if i fail any papers from now, we all know why lah ok...
HAHAHAHAHAH
but hopefully i wont...
and the point of this post is not to declare my achievements!!!!!!!!
it's uhh...more of a self look thingie that i felt like i needed to share with you ppl.
so don't get me wrong at all okk???
:P:P
and no, i tak kembang at all.
i swear.
Labels: life reflection
